As I said I'm a student in culinary school, and that everyday I have to cut up meat of all kinds. I do believe that I have brought up the fact that I'm into the butchery portion of my education, this means more meat then normal. Well today I was the next to last day of the class, so today was the worst of all. I and do mean the worst of my education, today we were given LOBSTER!!!
If you have ever had to make lobster you'd know just what was so bad. you see the thing about lobster is that, the meat, the muscles of the animal, doesn't last long, only a few hours, this means that lobster must be bought in one two form, pre-shelled, and pre-cooked, and this is about three more expensive then the second form, which is LIVE!!!! this means that lobster must be KILLED ONSITE!!! today, that job fell on me!!! I had to KILL, thats what what I said KILL!!!! up untill this point I have managed to not hurl every time a chef asks me to cut up an animal carcass, by reminding myself that I didn't kill it, nor did I buy it, so in plain terms, I was always just a medium that had to do it's job. I got through it like alot of nazi's claimed after the war was over, "It's just a job" and "At least I didn't have anything to do with the killing" nor did I eat anything, well today all of my veils of lies that I put up to protect myself were ripped down, so now I see the horrors that I been commiting. Well I can tell you, cause lets face it, noone reads this anyways, I thought of three things after class, first killing myself, I took out one of my knifes and staired it for along time, then I thought about turning myself into the police, telling them I was a murderer. I played with this idea in my head till another idea struck me, and I want to clear this up first, both of these ideas are out of my head, they were just Ideas, I thought about them, but would NEVER act. anyways the other idea was killing other hurting other people, it struck me that there is NO difference between my life and that of the lobster I KILLED today, and there is no difference between that lobster, and any one else in my dorms, or the whole earth, and don't they say that the kill is the hardest?? so yea today was rough, I was with out a doubt was confronted by some very new consepts. Ideas of suicide, and mass-homicide. these were the ideas that I had to fight off today, and I want to point out and, just to quell the thought NOW, I was only thinking, and they were ONLY thoughts, and have NO intention of acting of them, like AT ALL!!!! ok so thats all cleared up.
